Grief and healing during on-going pandemic
How to cope with grief and bereavement has always been an intricate issue.
Grieving is ever more challenging due to the travel and social distancing restrictions under the ongoing pandemic.
We have talked with Dr.CHOW Y.M. Amy, a registered social worker specialising in bereavement counselling in Hong Kong for some advice to the bereaved.
“Actually, how someone grief reflects how they live,” said Dr. Chow.
The first reaction of someone who loses a loved one through death would usually be tears, sorrow or sadness.
However, since grieving is very individualised, the reactions of the bereaved are just as diverse.
Some bereaved may get quite angry, some may become silent, some may indulge in eating to get satisfaction, some may even partake in gambling activities to numb themselves from the pain of losing their loved one.
Therefore, understanding the concern of the bereaved is vital in bereavement counselling.
A large number of the bereaved want and need some concrete information on how to cope with the grief and move on, so the first role of bereavement counsellors is to provide the information and normalise some so-called abnormal behaviour.
· First, provide the bereaved with a time frame concept, let them understand how the pattern of grief would change with time.
· Second, give them some practical information to move on, such as tips on how they can spend the birthday of their deceased loved one.
· Last but not the least, let the bereaved have time to share their stories with someone about them and the deceased person.
In many cases, storytelling reflects the problems and challenges the bereaved is going through, said Dr.Chow.
For example, one of her clients regretted not actively participate in the funeral process as the other mourners told him to leave the process of his wife’s funeral to the person in charge from the funeral house.
He believed it was his role and duty to participate in the ritual for his wife. However, he was weak and emotionally upset so he did not fight for it. He then regretted not dealing with his grief the way he had wanted every day after the funeral.
Dr. Chow helped him to get over the ostensible guilt of not having fulfilled his duty and role as a husband at the funeral by leading him to understand that at that point he did not have enough energy to deal with the funeral to help him forgive himself and move on.
“Closure is not about ending the relationship between the bereaved and the deceased, it’s about ending the part that makes the bereaved suffer from feelings such as pain or regret, ” said Dr. Chow.
She suggested one activity for people who are ambivalent towards the memories with the deceased person: to let them hold a rose that has a thorn.
When people start complaining that holding a rose with a thorn hurts them, reminds them they have a choice to pick away the thorn.
Through this exercise, people would realise it is not an “all or none” activity, they are not being asked to throw away the rose, they can choose to take away the hurtful part and hold the smooth, good part of it.
It helps them to cope with the ambivalence towards the memories with the deceased person by letting them realise they have control and choice over what to remember or not to remember.
They can choose to take away the poor, hurtful memories and remember the good time with the deceased person just as they can do with holding the rose with the thorn plucked out.
About bereavement counselling during COVID-19-
The bereaved were not prepared for the death of their otherwise healthy loved ones who succumbed to the pandemic. Besides, due to the regulations to prevent the spread of the outbreak, some of the bereaved were not able to visit the hospital and even hold a proper funeral to say goodbye to their loved one, which creates a lot of regrets.
Dr. Chow introduces a psychological approach such as The Empty Chair Technique to help the COVID-19 bereaved cases. The Empty Chair Technique from Gestalt therapy concept is a very simple approach where the bereaved sit in front of an empty chair and picture the deceased person whom they to express their feelings and create an imaginary dialogue with the dead. Through this process, some of the emotions of the bereaved will come up and recognizing their emotions is the first step to help the healing process.
About the closure-
Dr. Chow recommended that the bereaved can go to their own religious or spiritual groups to explore alternative options to express and handle their grief, in the absence of a proper funeral. They could look at doing some chanting and offerings. A lot of religions suggest the bereaved person do good deeds such as charity works to guarantee the deceased person a good life in another world. Encourage the bereaved to take some actions, rather than feeling the guilt and regret of not having had a proper funeral for their loved one.
In many cases, the bereaved person can close themselves down inside the house having social isolation from others which is problematic, and in worst cases can turn suicidal. By helping them to take action and step out of their house, they will be forced to interact with others, tell their story and concern to them, so that people around them can help them.
Alternative bereavement helps and supports in Hong Kong-
For those who can’t avail themselves of counselling because of financial constraints, Chow recommends some NGOs in Hong Kong that provide free bereavement services. One of them is The Society for the Promotion of Hospice Care (Chinese: 善寧會), which has Jessie and Thomas Tam Centre in Tai Po that provides free-of-charge bereavement services to the public. The Comfort Care Concern Group (Chinese: 贐明會) in Sham Shui Po also provides bereavement counselling and bereavement groups at no cost. Sometimes, the bereaved are more at ease to be in a group of people who share the same experience, so the bereavement group is another alternative support for them.
